This is just a train of thoughts and a little rant. I won’t go into too much detail, I just need to vent a little.
I have always struggled with my weight, ever since i was a kid. I always switched between average and chubby. When I turned 16, that is when everything took a turn for the worse. My mom passed away, and I had to go live with my Grandma. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandma, it’s the other family members I wasn’t too keen on, but that’s a story for another day. Plus, I had to transfer high school, my junior year. I worked so hard to get into my magnet school but none of my family wanted to drive me to the public bus stop for me to continue my education there, so I went to the local high school in a new, different district. Again, another story for another day.
So I am 16, hella depressed, and going though so many emotions and changes. I started eating my feelings because that is all I could do. My grandma is a typical Mexican grandma, she always fed me. I developed poor eating habits and stopped exercising. So over two years, I put on a lot of weight, and I mean a lot. By the time I graduated high school, I was about 200 pounds. I know this may not seem a lot or a big deal to some people, but it was to me. It had a huge impact on my self-esteem.
Three months after I graduated high school, I went to college, like most people do. My poor eating habits and unhealthy life style followed me. It was my first time to ever be living on my own, so I was not 100 percent sure how to handle that. Like I could handle my own domestic duties no problem, they were instilled in mine and my sisters’s habits at young age, but the actual taking care of myself was the hard part. I was lucky enough that I had to walk everywhere, classes, the store, etc. so I got a little exercise in. I stayed around 200 pounds.
It was around my sophomore year of college that I started to change my habits and start exercising. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted with myself. There were many contributing factors as well, but that one thought sent me over the edge. I resolved to change, to attract people to me, and to just be comfortable with myself.
I did some research and settled on the Keto diet. I swore of soda, carbs, and most sugars. I only ate protein and vegetables, nothing else. I saw some of the weight slip off. I made a friend in my Japanese class and we started working out and exercising. So over the course of two years, with no slip up in my diet and exercise plan, I dropped down to 150. I looked good, I felt good, and was happy with myself. Most of the dark and depressive thoughts I had were kept at bay. Nothing could break me.
August of 2014 is when I went to Korea and started slipping up. I started drinking soda again, mainly because it is made with real sugar, and not the artificial stuff that the American stuff uses. I still exercised, ate well, and walked everywhere, but I was drinking soda nearly everyday. I lived next to a convenience store and would stop by on my way home. There were many times I was lonely, quite lonely, and it made me feel good about myself. You can say it was kinda my comfort food.
When I returned to the USA in August of 2015 I lived with my sister and her ex-boyfriend’s parents (sister and ex-boyfriend were together for like eleven years) until I was able to land a job. I stopped exercising, even though my sister would invite me to run with here. I was just so stressed out with finding a job. Running is what I did to de-stress, but with the pressure the parents were putting on me, I devoted most of my time to job hunting. It didn’t help that I continued to drink soda. Plus the parents only ate junk and processed food, rarely healthy, so the fat boy in me ate a lot and I went back up to roughly 180 pounds. I started to hate myself and the way I looked.
March of 2016 I finally landed a job at a mental hospital (~yay working in my field of study) and moved into my own place, with a really bad roommate. Again, another story for another time. I started exercising, and my eating habits improved a little. I was eating healthier and cooking more at home. However, I was still drinking soda. I knew I was addicted and I should have done something to stop it, but it was mainly the thing that helped me cope.
August of 2016 I changed departments, from the adolescent unit to the admissions department. My car broke down and I wasn’t in a financial place to fix it or get a new one, so I couldn’t go to the gym anymore. Roughly around December, one of my coworkers went on a medical leave (was gone for eight months) and another one got fired. So the only other remaining coworker and I had to cover a lot of shifts. I was working roughly 16 hour days. The Trump took office and put in a hiring freeze, and since I worked for a state mental hospital, we were affected hard. Not only was I working long days and had little days off, we couldn’t bring in anybody. Then my coworker was still out sick, so I was very stressed. The department next to us would often go out for food, so I would give them a little a money and would eat fast food and soda. Nearly everyday. I knew it was bad. I knew I should have, but it was convenient and that is all I cared about. All the weight I worked hard to lose in college came back, with some friends. All my old thoughts and feelings came back and I hate myself and the way I look again.
October of 2017, I ran away from my problems and returned to Korea. It was a way to make me happier and to work on/fix myself. Although, I didn’t. I joined a gym, and barely used it. I continued to drink soda. This time around, I was placed in a city, so I started ordering food since everything delivers. EVERYTHING! So now, I sit here disgusted with myself and what I let myself become.
The sad part is, I know what I need to do. I know how to diet, exercise, and eat right. I just can’t. For some reason, I can’t motivate myself or even find the will power to do so. I know I want to. I know I need too. I try, but I fail each and every time. You think the Koreans I try to meet saying “I’m sorry fat piggys,” will motivate me. It does a little, but at the same time I cannot be bothered. I joined a sports team, but I only play with them once a week. I mainly joined to make friends. I think the loneliness and stress from my job is making me just be complacent and just settle for what I am doing. I am only hurting myself.
The thing is, I want to change. I will change. I know how to kick an addiction from my psychology degree and working at the mental hospital, but it’s hard. I don’t know how I did it last time. I honestly think it was just sheer will power. I am disgusted with myself. Even the students calling me fat teacher makes me hate myself. I have all this external “motivation” but the laziness is stopping me. I will try. Starting now. The best day to make a change was years ago. The second best day is today. It will be hard, but I can tough it out. I can work on and fix myself.
Thank for listening to me bitching. I wanted to go into more details, but I am still not comfortable talking about myself and personal information. Even writing this bare skeleton was tough for me to do. I will probably post my fitness journey here along with other thoughts.