With the talk about the She Ra reboot for Netflix circling around the internet, got me thinking to an episode of She Ra I saw with one of my sister.
Now, I’m not a fan of cartoons from the era before I was born, e.g. She Ra, He-Man, etc. (aside from Gem but there a different story there with the same sister from this story) but I have seen a few episodes.
Growing up we rarely had cable or satellite TV, forced to watch whatever was on the basic channels (although there were tons of good shows on up until midnight). Then they started pushing HD TV making everyone buy a converter box because companies were switching away from analog TV. This meant clearer pictures, and more importantly, more channels.
One of the new channels we got was called iON 2. I think. I don’t remember the actual name of it. Regardless, this channel showed old cartoons and TV shows from before the early 90s. At least that what it seemed like to me.
That back story isn’t too important but it is what led to me watching the show.
So there is a He-Man and She-Ra marathon on. They were advertising some sort of cross over episode. Even though it was an 80s cartoon, they were making it such a big deal. Maybe there was a theme, who knows.
Anyways, during the marathon I am playing Pokemon and not really paying too much attention to the TV. My sister and I use it as background noise. We took a short break to put our Nintendo DSs on the charger and loom to the TV. She-Ra is at a concert. Weird. I didn’t think that time period had musical performances.
The monster of the day (as was standard in most kid cartoons) started attacking. The civilian identity of She-Ra looks arounds and says “This looks like a job for She-Ra!” The as per 80s cartoon’s animation, onlh her head looks around. She makes eye contact with this guy and walks a few steps away. The she transforms. The guy she made eye contact with is still in the shot!!!
She comes back as She-Ra to fight the monster and save the people. She draws hee weapon and the guy she made eye contact with foes up to her and says “She-Ra! Where did you come from?”
At the same time, my sister and I literally said “Dude! You just the bitch transform!” Then we burstex out laughing and finished the episode.
So that is it. That’s all the emotional attachment, investment, and actual knowledge I have of She-Ra. Don’t know if the reboot will be good or not, but I will give it a watch. After all, without a good VPN the Netflix selection in South Korea is really lacking and origionals are all we really get. Aside from Voltron for some strange reason.
It has been about a month since my last update. I call this daily cause I did plan to write daily. Also, I didn’t think about checking to see if the domian “Official Big T” was available. So I was striving for at least a weekly update. Nope. That didn’t happen either. So from this point on, I’ll do my best to add content and make post.
This is just a train of thoughts and a little rant. I won’t go into too much detail, I just need to vent a little.
I have always struggled with my weight, ever since i was a kid. I always switched between average and chubby. When I turned 16, that is when everything took a turn for the worse. My mom passed away, and I had to go live with my Grandma. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandma, it’s the other family members I wasn’t too keen on, but that’s a story for another day. Plus, I had to transfer high school, my junior year. I worked so hard to get into my magnet school but none of my family wanted to drive me to the public bus stop for me to continue my education there, so I went to the local high school in a new, different district. Again, another story for another day.
So I am 16, hella depressed, and going though so many emotions and changes. I started eating my feelings because that is all I could do. My grandma is a typical Mexican grandma, she always fed me. I developed poor eating habits and stopped exercising. So over two years, I put on a lot of weight, and I mean a lot. By the time I graduated high school, I was about 200 pounds. I know this may not seem a lot or a big deal to some people, but it was to me. It had a huge impact on my self-esteem.
Three months after I graduated high school, I went to college, like most people do. My poor eating habits and unhealthy life style followed me. It was my first time to ever be living on my own, so I was not 100 percent sure how to handle that. Like I could handle my own domestic duties no problem, they were instilled in mine and my sisters’s habits at young age, but the actual taking care of myself was the hard part. I was lucky enough that I had to walk everywhere, classes, the store, etc. so I got a little exercise in. I stayed around 200 pounds.
It was around my sophomore year of college that I started to change my habits and start exercising. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted with myself. There were many contributing factors as well, but that one thought sent me over the edge. I resolved to change, to attract people to me, and to just be comfortable with myself.
I did some research and settled on the Keto diet. I swore of soda, carbs, and most sugars. I only ate protein and vegetables, nothing else. I saw some of the weight slip off. I made a friend in my Japanese class and we started working out and exercising. So over the course of two years, with no slip up in my diet and exercise plan, I dropped down to 150. I looked good, I felt good, and was happy with myself. Most of the dark and depressive thoughts I had were kept at bay. Nothing could break me.
August of 2014 is when I went to Korea and started slipping up. I started drinking soda again, mainly because it is made with real sugar, and not the artificial stuff that the American stuff uses. I still exercised, ate well, and walked everywhere, but I was drinking soda nearly everyday. I lived next to a convenience store and would stop by on my way home. There were many times I was lonely, quite lonely, and it made me feel good about myself. You can say it was kinda my comfort food.
When I returned to the USA in August of 2015 I lived with my sister and her ex-boyfriend’s parents (sister and ex-boyfriend were together for like eleven years) until I was able to land a job. I stopped exercising, even though my sister would invite me to run with here. I was just so stressed out with finding a job. Running is what I did to de-stress, but with the pressure the parents were putting on me, I devoted most of my time to job hunting. It didn’t help that I continued to drink soda. Plus the parents only ate junk and processed food, rarely healthy, so the fat boy in me ate a lot and I went back up to roughly 180 pounds. I started to hate myself and the way I looked.
March of 2016 I finally landed a job at a mental hospital (~yay working in my field of study) and moved into my own place, with a really bad roommate. Again, another story for another time. I started exercising, and my eating habits improved a little. I was eating healthier and cooking more at home. However, I was still drinking soda. I knew I was addicted and I should have done something to stop it, but it was mainly the thing that helped me cope.
August of 2016 I changed departments, from the adolescent unit to the admissions department. My car broke down and I wasn’t in a financial place to fix it or get a new one, so I couldn’t go to the gym anymore. Roughly around December, one of my coworkers went on a medical leave (was gone for eight months) and another one got fired. So the only other remaining coworker and I had to cover a lot of shifts. I was working roughly 16 hour days. The Trump took office and put in a hiring freeze, and since I worked for a state mental hospital, we were affected hard. Not only was I working long days and had little days off, we couldn’t bring in anybody. Then my coworker was still out sick, so I was very stressed. The department next to us would often go out for food, so I would give them a little a money and would eat fast food and soda. Nearly everyday. I knew it was bad. I knew I should have, but it was convenient and that is all I cared about. All the weight I worked hard to lose in college came back, with some friends. All my old thoughts and feelings came back and I hate myself and the way I look again.
October of 2017, I ran away from my problems and returned to Korea. It was a way to make me happier and to work on/fix myself. Although, I didn’t. I joined a gym, and barely used it. I continued to drink soda. This time around, I was placed in a city, so I started ordering food since everything delivers. EVERYTHING! So now, I sit here disgusted with myself and what I let myself become.
The sad part is, I know what I need to do. I know how to diet, exercise, and eat right. I just can’t. For some reason, I can’t motivate myself or even find the will power to do so. I know I want to. I know I need too. I try, but I fail each and every time. You think the Koreans I try to meet saying “I’m sorry fat piggys,” will motivate me. It does a little, but at the same time I cannot be bothered. I joined a sports team, but I only play with them once a week. I mainly joined to make friends. I think the loneliness and stress from my job is making me just be complacent and just settle for what I am doing. I am only hurting myself.
The thing is, I want to change. I will change. I know how to kick an addiction from my psychology degree and working at the mental hospital, but it’s hard. I don’t know how I did it last time. I honestly think it was just sheer will power. I am disgusted with myself. Even the students calling me fat teacher makes me hate myself. I have all this external “motivation” but the laziness is stopping me. I will try. Starting now. The best day to make a change was years ago. The second best day is today. It will be hard, but I can tough it out. I can work on and fix myself.
Thank for listening to me bitching. I wanted to go into more details, but I am still not comfortable talking about myself and personal information. Even writing this bare skeleton was tough for me to do. I will probably post my fitness journey here along with other thoughts.
This story/memory is from around May 22nd, 2018. I don’t remember the exact day. I only remember it was kind of recent.
So as I was waiting for the subway I say the advertisement you see in the photo. Its a Kpop group, WannaOne, advertising fried chicken.
I never listened to them. I know my students are obsessed and I always mean to check them out. However, I never get around to it because I get distracted pretty easily. Though the chicken looks kind of tasty. Plus, groups here don’t really advertise for something they don’t like. They wouldn’t steer me wrong, right?
I always say I am open minded and willing to try new things, within reason. There was a certain appeal to this in both the guys and the chicken as well. So when I got home I opened my food delivery app (a mistake downloading for a different reason) and saw it was a featured item.
Go.zy! I clicked and ordered. App said it’ll take 15 minutes to deliver, but in reality took over an hour. It smelt delicious and looked better than the advertisement. I actually regret not taking pictures.
With my mouth watering, I pick up a leg and take my first bite. Nope. The cheeto taste was too overpowering. I couldn’t taste the chicken at all. Like at all. Plus, it had a bit of a spicy kick to it (not surprised cause Koreans loves spicy food) and I nearly gagged. ”
It was just the first bite and maybe just that piece,” I thought to myself. I powered through the first leg and picked up a second. With a slightly more cautious bite, I experience the same thing. Actually, I think the second time was worse. I dropped ₩20,000 on food I can’t eat or enjoy. I was a sad panda. It ruined my appetite for the rest of the day too.
To make matters worse, it left my hand a weird orange-yellow color. You know how you get Cheeto fingers? It was that, but at a level no amount of wet naps or washing could get rid of.
The Cheeto chicken is in no way delicous, at least in my opinion, and I am glad its just a temporary thing. I wouldn’t wish that on most of my enemies and don’t understand how people can enjoy it (aside from different pallets). Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am not mature enough to enjoy the taste. However, I now knpw why they need a handsome boy group to advertise. People will buy anything idols tell them to.
This chicken is now added to my list of regrets, right up there with that V8. I know my rant was messy and didn’t make a lot of sense, but memories can be unreliable.
I have been a big Shinee fan since high school. They made their debut in 2008 and were my gateway group unto Kpop. Although I may not listening to Kpop as much as I used to, I would always follow and keep up with the group.
When the news hit me that Jonghyun had passed away due to suicide (12/18/17), I was crushed. I finally felt what other people felt when MJ had passed on. His and Shinee’s music helped me through hard times and help fight the darkness that always creeps up on me. More on my thoughts and feeling in JH’s passing in another post.
So the day before I found out that SM Entertainment had erected a temporary memorial for JH at Coex Mall to allow fans to come and pay respect, get closure, etc. I didn’t know about the mall existance, let alone the SM section which has a cafe, a store, a museum, and many other fun things. This is my second time living in Korea, and J call myself a Kpop fan. Regardless, I only had on day free, and the memorial will be taken down on the first of May, so I resolved to go.
When I checked online it said the SM section of the mall opens around 10am (I later learned the opening time was 10:30). I know how crazy Kpop fans get, so I arrived early. At 9am there was already a small line, but I would be among the first to enter. I am greatful I got there when I did. By 10am the line was extrememly long and wrapped around the building.
When the doors opened at 10:30 and I got waved in, I rushed to get to the elevator so I can be one of the first to get to the cafe. Prior research showed that the cafe is usually the busiest place and sometimes the line to get in can take hours. I was happy to be the first one in, cause I got to get my pick of seats.
The cafe had all sorts of drinks and snack based on many of the different idols and groups that SM represents. Even the tables and chairs had autographs of famous musicians, actors, etc. that had visited in the past. (I also signed my name, gotta generate buzz for myseld some how.) I regret not eating cause everything looked delicious. I settled with some apple juice (which came in a small Shinee water bottle) and people watched for a bit. It was fun to see people fan out over every little detail.
After I left the cafe, I had to go up one more floor for the memorial. It was the main purpose of my visit after all. I wanted to explore more and take my time, but I had to catch the subway to head to soccer practice in just 30 minutes.
When I got to the memorial their were two big posters of JH on the walls and many, many fans. It made it hard take a good photo. Not only that, but there were many fans just bawling their eyes out. I was sympathetic of course, but also put off a little bit. Mainly due to toxic masculinity I cannot cry or fewl in public, but also because the room made the crying echo and it felt a little disrespectful to other people paying their respects. Not saying they cannot cry or feel, but think of the others who are there as well.
To the side of one of the posters was a small booth with various starionary and a donation box for the charity they established in JH’s memory. After donating a few thousand won, I took a big post it note and wrote about what he meant to me and hoping he was at peace. I won’t lie, I have attempted suicide in the past and Shinee’s musoc did help me cope back then. I’ll admit, I did feel quite emotional but due to being raised in a society of toxic masculinity, I didn’t show it. I posted my note next to the tribute poster (the red poster is drom his post-departure album “Poet”). I felt bad posting over other people’s notes, but everyone was doing it (the walls literally had layers in languages from around the world), and my feeling were just as valid as anyone elses. Hell, it probably got covered up not too long after I left.
After posting I left and headed to the subway. I plan on coming back in the near future to fully explore what SM Coex has to offer and blog about it then as well. This trip was just to pay my respects and get a little closure.
I wanna say lately it feels like I lost all my passions, but its been more than lately. I would say it has been going on for the better part of a year. My passions include but not limited to:
Exercise / Running
However, it feels hard to get into them. Even when I do, I usually just go through the motions. I haven’t been able to sit down and write, or even force myself to. I exercise for the sake of exercising and to get back into shape. I don’t have time to play video games, and when I do, I rather just not. I haven’t found good music, and my iPod is broken beyond repair so it is hard to listen to music.
I know, I am just complaining.
I don’t know how to rekindle the fire for them, or even if they are my passions anymore.
How does one find their passions?
How does someone discover what they like?
This is just a small rambling. Maybe one day I will come back to this post and go more in depth. I just needed to get this off my chest a bit. I want to write about all of this, but I also don’t. Plus, why am I bothering the internet with my problems? I always return to the dark place. The void that makes me want to end it, but I know I never will.
Thanks for listening, even though there is no substance here.
I logged onto Overwatch last night and noticed the splash screen was a different than the normal and events one. It was Mercy in a new costume that kind of reminded me of the pink ribbon. For those who know me know two things: I don’t talk much about myself, and I hate the Susan G. Coleman (SGC) charity with a fiery passion that burns with the intensity of a thousand suns.
Quick backstory, I lost my mom at a young age [I was 16] due to breast cancer. She fought hard for eight years and she did go into remission. However, the doctor who checked her, only checked the affected area and didn’t do a full body check so the cancer cells spread to other parts of her body. You can see where things end up. During those eight years, my sisters and I reached out countless times to SGC for help. We weren’t expecting much, but just a little support and maybe where to find resources in our area. They were unresponsive, most of the time. Towards the end of her battle, the last time we reached out, what we heard back basically amounted to ‘your mother’s case isn’t marketable.’ No apology, no that’s not what we do, and nothing positive. That is neither here or there.
At first I was hesitant considering most breast cancer related stuff is always SGC in some for or another. The completionist in me needed this skin. After some research I discovered the charity they were supporting is none other than The Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF). Their goal is to advance the world’s most promising research to eradicate breast cancer. Plus, more than 90% of all donations ACTUALLY goes to research. More information can be found at bcrf.org.
So of course I had to buy this skin. Even though it was roughly $15 USD, it is nice to know that all my money will be going to a GREAT cause. You should really check it out and buy the skin if you can.
More information about this event can be found on Overwatch’s site here.
I just wanted to share a tidbit of my happiness and help spread the word in any way I can.